Broke Back Mountain

The mind is chattering again.
Seems like I am carrying a mountain on my shoulders which is breaking my back.
Advises and opportunities around me are running asunder.

I am thankful for the people around me and for some of the work that I am doing.Otherwise I feel like I am knocking at a door of a room which is empty. All I hear on the other side is the sound of the wind circulating through emptiness yet I can't stop knocking. What do I expect ....that at the other end the universe will let me enter into its embrace. That the door ,at which I am knocking, will open into space,into freedom and courage.
Why am I knocking what is so wrong with this side. Something warm is missing.Its cold out here,like an emotional Siberia where I have been sent as a prisoner of war. A war of my own creation but a war nonetheless.
Things could have been much worse.You could have not had the things you had. You could have been insane. You could have not had the people you have.You could have been dying.

I wonder sometimes if during the days of the revolution the suicide rates go down.People find a mission to direct their energies to...find a way out of obscurity and become a part of something.

How many people do I know who find life quite aimless...not worth living beause they don't have a mission a direction.

Well I for one feel that I don't have a mission but I know for sure that I will find one for sure one day .....one day is another day which shall arrive for sure which much pomp and show!

I was in German Bakery in Dec '09 and last week saw on the news that it had been ripped off by a bomb.Quite sad.
Right now I have made up my mind to do a PHD. I hate the mind numbingly stupid analysis I do here. You need to cook up a plausible story and be able to carry it off. The only things of interest in my lives are the NGO I am working with and the books I am reading.
I realise in slums also people earn around 12-15k . I earn around thrice of that....I don't have a family to take care of ... I only have myself. So it should not be difficult.
Anyways my life's a lot richer than it has ever been. I feel that economic independence has allowed me to live the kind of life I want to.
Thanks god for that.

A distant memory

A distant memory
From a far away land
An hour of reckoning
And a time of reconciliation
With your absence

Try as I might
I can't remeber your eyes
And how they flooded with emotions
Your smile
Whether your eyes crinkled when you did
Your smell and your touch
Was it mushy and warm or what
Your voice
Whether it was mellifluous or thunderous

All I can remember is how I felt when you went away
Left in a lurch
Try as might I can't remember you
All I remember is my feeling of being alone

Today if I want to celebrate you
I can only remember the sound of your laughter
Thats the one distinct memory that I still cherish
The others of your morrow I choose to forget

Hope you found peace that deluded you
Hope you found what your were looking for

Happy Birthday Mom.